Today I don't feel like writing a travelog entry like I usually do. I just feel like writing some honest things and admit that sometimes I get sad.
Last month, Avery found out that she lost her baby at 16 weeks. It was devastating and I still can't believe it happened. It's so frustrating to know that things like that happen and we'll never know why. The only thing I could say to comfort her is that, based on our experiences, it makes it that much more magical when you do get to hold your little baby in your arms for the first time. Honestly, Hadley came when she was good and ready and it was obviously the perfect time, even though we wanted her much, much earlier than that. God has a way of making things happen exactly when they should, it just hurts not knowing when that time is. I know she and Chris will get through this fine, I just wish they didn't have to feel any of it.
Hadley's speech hasn't been getting better so we have an appointment with someone from Idaho's Early Intervention program to evaluate her and get her set up with speech therapy. It's so sad to see her look at me and not have the words to say what she's feeling. She has always been so quiet and we thought she was just an internalizer and now I realize something is actually wrong and it kills me to think that she can't express herself. I can't wait to hear her sweet voice ask a question or watch her point to something and say it's name. She is so smart and I honestly don't know what's wrong. According to everything I've read, toddlers should know about 50 words by the time they're two. We are way below that, but I have faith that we'll be able to crack the code and use therapy to get her talking.
About three times a day I feel like a huge failure and am so frustrated that any progress I make with Hadley is interrupted when I have to go to work. How am I supposed to make any headway with her, when as soon as we get going I have to get my purse and coat on and leave her for another nine hours? There are weeks when I only see Hadley for a couple of hours a day and I'm getting so anxious. I don't know what to do. We're not at a point yet that I can go down to part time, especially since my job provides our great insurance. I feel like I'm missing something. Like the answer is out there and I can't see it.
Speaking of work, some of your probably heard the dismal news about my place of employment. BN is going to be closing hundreds of stores in the next ten years, and even though Boise will always be safe since there isn't much competition, it's still very scary and news like that always drops consumer confidence. I don't want to leave this full time job for another full time job. I need to go to part time but I truly don't know how to make it work. Any suggestions??
We're back in the infertility world, having been unsuccessful for four months. I've been on Clomid the whole time, with mixed hormone results. They want to talk to me about other options again (which we've tried, and/or couldn't afford) but I haven't made up my mind. Luckily, this time around it's not nearly as sad each month when I get my period since I have a beautiful, healthy toddler. I will never feel the overwhelming sadness that came each month and the anxiety that I may never be a mother. Hadley gave us so much peace, in so many ways. As much as we'd love another, having just Hadley would be perfect too. We're not going to give up, but if it takes years then so be it.
Well, there is my sad post. There are actually a lot of wonderful things going on in my world too, I just needed to vent and have a pity party. Thanks for listening.
