Taking it easy.

Yesterday was my D&C and it went as well as it could. I first met with my OBGYN, who basically explained everything in detail to me and was very kind and sympathetic. I then checked into the surgery center and was taken back to my temporary "room." The nurses were unbelievably nice and gave me a bunch of hot blankets and let me read my book while we waited for the operating room. Luckily they were running behind so Levi was able to meet me there before the procedure. We hung out and chatted and I really felt fortunate to be surrounded by such nice people. They gave me the sedation stuff through my i.v. about ten minutes before being wheeled back. Can I just say how much I love that stuff?? If there is one good thing about surgery, it's getting that wonderful sedation cocktail.
After wheeling me back to the O.R., they had me shimmy onto the operating table, still covered by warm blankets at this point, and then gave me the oxygen mask and then knocked me out through the I.V. After having such a good experience before the operation, I surprised myself when I woke up sobbing in the recovery room. I wasn't in extreme physical pain, I was just sad beyond belief. I realized that my baby was gone and I have never in my life felt such a loss. The nurse that was there with me tried comforting me but I couldn't stop crying and I asked that they get Levi for me. He came back and was very sweet and just let me cry and mourn. I could hear the nurses talking to the doctor and they were saying, "She's fine, she's just very emotional." and I thought that summed it up pretty well. I am fine and I will be fine, but I just wanted to have a little bit of time to cry and be sad. I realize that the baby wasn't healthy and I realize that I wouldn't have wanted to carry an unhealthy baby to full term, but I still sometimes just need a good cry.
Thankfully, I have the world's best husband who has been with me for every part of this journey. He is my rock and he is the reason I'll make it though this tough time. In addition to Levi, my sisters, brother and mom have been absolutely amazing. Thank you all so much for all your prayers and phone calls. I have been overwhelmed by the love you have all sent my way and I don't think I could have done it without you.
Throughout this long process of trying to get pregnant, I have learned so many things. The most important thing, I think, is what a great life I have. I have so many things to be thankful for and I'm confident that it will only get better in the future. Having my mom move in with us is going to be fantastic and we are so excited to have her here as soon as possible! I've learned that as long as you're surrounded by people you love, it makes the trials and tribulations just a little bit easier. If there is anyone who has had some trials of her own this past year, it's my mom. She has had some of the worst things possible happen to her, yet she wakes up everyday and is there for everyone when they need her. This is the kind of thing that motivates me and inspires me to put on a happy face and lean on those around me for support and guidance. I love you mom and I hope you know how much you've helped me throughout these past two years.
I hope this post isn't too rambly (is that a word?) I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm fine and I sometimes find that using this blog to express my feelings has been helpful. Thanks for putting up with me!

Update.

This is an update from the post I wrote earlier today.
I found out around noon today that my HCG levels had doubled since Monday and were at 116,000. This is a fantastic number, if the fetus is healthy. Since the last ultrasound proved that my fetus wasn't healthy they had to dig around (literally) and see what was causing my HCG levels to continue to rise. They were worried that there was an ectopic pregnancy somewhere else in my body, like my abdomen or my tubes, but luckily they didn't find anything. They ruled out a couple of other things and came to the conclusion that my body is still producing lots of HCG and feeding it to the gestational sac, but not necessarily the baby itself. So in other words, there's still action going on, but none of it is productive and my body will not voluntarily have the miscarriage.
The only thing that will work, apparently, is the D&C. I'm not stoked about this option, but if my body won't admit that there is a problem, this is the only way to clear my body out and start fresh. The baby hadn't grown one bit and had no heartbeat so I'm not worried that it will all of a sudden come to life. It won't. That's a heartbreaking thing to admit and has taken me about 3 days to understand but I'm at peace with it and I just want to start over. This has been an unbelievably painful week, but obviously this pregnancy wasn't meant to happen and we look forward to trying again.
My procedure is scheduled for Monday. The doctor wanted me to do it sooner, but I selfishly didn't want to use any more sick time at my work and the doc said I should be fine waiting those 5 days. I also have an ulterior motive, and that is that I just want a couple more days with the fetus. I know there is not spirit in it anymore, but I loved the feeling of being pregnant and it's really hard to give that up.
Thank you everyone for all your kind words and prayers. It was quite a shock to feel great and hopeful one day and find out the next day that your world is crashing down around you. I always told Levi if I had to go through another miscarriage I wouldn't try a third time but that's not true anymore. I'm more excited and determined than ever. Third time will be the charm, I can feel it.

Rollercoaster.

As anyone who reads this blog knows, Levi and I received the horrible news on Monday that we were going to have a miscarriage. We went in for a standard ultrasound and the on-call doctor (my doctor was out with the flu) said that the fetus hadn't grown and there was no heartbeat. This was BEYOND devastating for us. I did my best to keep it together in front of the ultrasound tech and the doctor, but eventually just lost it and sobbed for a good five minutes. After explaining my three options (have a natural miscarriage, induce it by using a medicine, or the good 'ol D&C option) they said they needed to take my blood to figure out where my HCG levels were.
Levi and I took Monday and Tuesday off of work to cope with the bad news and we were just starting to recover when I get a call on Tuesday from the physician's assistant that my HCG levels were still through the roof (55,000 at 7.5 weeks). She said that they would do another blood test today, which I just got done with, and we'd see if the number fell. If it still rises it means they need to "repeat the ultrasound" which basically means they made a mistake. I can't decide which option is better: my body trying to save a baby that isn't growing or my body having a normal miscarriage. Both options suck in my opinion and I'm nervous to find out what the real outcome is.
I'll update this tonight after I find out what my HCG levels were today. Wish us luck.

Thanks for another great year.

So it didn't end in an ideal fashion, but that's life and we will look forward to next year. Thanks for entertaining Levi and me with a great 2009 season. April can't come soon enough!! Go Sox!

Sick, sick.

Today is the first time in two days that I've been able to be out of bed for more than a few minutes. I've had a horrible flu that, luckily, peaked last night and I feel a lot better today. I started feeling feverish Thursday morning and I left work an hour early. That night I was practically hallucinating and had a 102 degree temp. Good times. My body ached so bad I started crying and couldn't stop for a full ten minutes. How sexy, huh?
Anyway, I slept almost the entire day yesterday, I woke up in time to see the Sox lose, AGAIN :(, and then slept through the night. I'm pretty sure I'll be ok to go to work tonight.

So Monday is a big day for us. I'll update the blog as soon as we find out some more information. Until next time...