Stressed.

A few months ago, I told Levi that I was nervous because our life was going so well. Most people would just enjoy the trial-free time, but I have a gross habit of anticipating the worst and I knew that life wouldn't stay easy breezy for too long. I was right!

**Let me stop and emphasize here that everything I'm about to say does NOT mean that I'm not grateful for all that I have. I'm also aware that my issues are VERY first world and not all that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.**

August has been a very hard baby from the get-go. As I mentioned before, most of his issues were because of acid reflux that we're treating and he's pretty much mellowed out, but these first two months have been rough. When we brought August home from the hospital, Hadley had a very hard time with him. He screamed. A lot. And it scared Hadley. She would hide in other rooms and spend the day with anxiety on her face. I was going through my own version of the baby blues and felt so bad for my little girl and for the fact that I couldn't comfort August. It was most definitely the bleakest month I can remember. Now that Hadley is used to him, she thinks he's funny and tries to hold his hand or feed him the bottle. Such a sweet sister.

Since August was born, Hadley and August have been trading sicknesses. We haven't made it 10 days without one or both of them needing to visit the doctor. I turned in my notice at Barnes and Noble and my last day is July 19th, which means our awesome, cheap insurance ends that day too. We will do a short term policy until August 1st and then our expensive policy starts that day. I have done a lot of fasting and prayer to know what to do about my work and I have no doubt that I'm supposed to stay home with the kids, it's just very scary to lose my income. We are going to try our hardest and see if we can make it, otherwise I'll have to get a part time job (which wouldn't be the worst thing, but I'm really hoping it doesn't come to that.) Getting Hadley's paperwork for her Katie Beckett waiver and now applying for disability for her have turned into a full time job. She'll be starting therapy again in the next couple of months and I know that will take up another huge chunk of time. I appreciate being able to be home with the kids to help with these things, I'm just starting to feel a little disconnected. I can't take both of them anywhere because Hadley struggles staying put in public. What ends up happening is I will wait until Levi gets home from work and then I'll take one kid and leave one kid with him so I can run errands. What this means is that Levi and I have little-to-no time together. We spend 30 uninterrupted minutes a day together and I'm starting to feel the strain. Hopefully we can fix it soon.

In the past month I've tried my best to stay chipper during the following events:
-Hadley's ear infection, which included her ear drum bursting and me almost fainting when I saw blood coming out of her ear. (This also included the absolute BIGGEST meltdown you've ever seen at the doctor's office. Honestly, it was scary.)
-August getting croup and us having to take him to the ER. This was the second ER trip since he was born. We are starting to recognize some of their staff!
-Unsuccessfully potty training Hadley (we've made progress, but my goal is to be mostly done by the time she returns to school at the end of August.)
-Our hot water heater having issues...no idea what they are, but I'm guessing we either need a new one or need to spend lots of money to fix this one.
-Ditto the air conditioner in our house that is leaking Freon.
-Our cat getting sick and needing a stupid $80 shot that brings him back to life.
-The insurance agent incorrectly telling me that $650 would be pulled from my account on August 1st and instead pulled it that day, causing me to overdraft.

The worst day so far was probably the 4th of July. I went into Hadley's room to find that she had EXPLODED. I mean, diarrhea everywhere. Poor Hadley. I took her downstairs and just after breakfast she exploded everywhere again. August was super fussy the whole day, not wanting to be put down. I got a call from Levi who said that his car had died on the freeway, and we still don't know how much it will cost to fix it. He had to be towed. Before he was done working (which he was doing on his day off...) Hadley decided to stick a rock up her nose. I couldn't get it, so we had to take her into an Instacare place, since all the offices were closed for the 4th. The doctor told us if he couldn't get it he would have to send us to the ER and they'd have to give her ketamine to sedate her. Luckily he had a steady hand and, with us holding her down, he got it. It was a big rock!

Hadley has had the explosive diarrhea ever since and today we took her into the doc to get tested for giardia. That means I had to "provide a sample." Luckily she completely exploded last night and it was all over her bed, sheets, clothes, hair, etc. so it wasn't too hard to "get a sample."
I have cleaned up so much poo in the last 5 days my hands are raw and chaffed from scrubbing them. I don't even freak out any more when I see the poo. It's just like, "Oh, at least it's not on the walls."

Ugh. I know what I'm going through doesn't sound like that much, but it seems like a lot because it's happened in such a short amount of time. I am still dealing with the baby blues, and I'm still so stressed about Hadley's progress. I'm trying to "go with the flow" but that is not something that is natural for me. I think in just a few short months we will look back on this and laugh, but we're not there yet.

One last thing: we spend our entire year looking forward to our Redfish Lake trip, but this year I'm having to cut it short by one day (we'll stay there 2 nights instead of 3) because taking the kids to Utah was just too stressful for me to do it again for that long. It's really hard with both of them still in diapers, Hadley being a picky eater, both of them having a hard time falling asleep when they're not home, etc. As long as it doesn't rain while we're up there I'll be happy. If it rains, I may have a mini breakdown and have a good cry alone in the mountains. Dramatic, yes, but that's the way it is.

To cheer me up, I like to watch this cute video of Mr. Auggie talking. He's silly. Hadley's silly too. I love them both, truly.


Oh, today is my 9 year anniversary and in two days it's my 32nd birthday. I honestly don't care about either one right now, so I think Levi and I will just eat some brownies and call it good.

My next post will be much, much happier! I promise!!