Pity Party.

Today I don't feel like writing a travelog entry like I usually do. I just feel like writing some honest things and admit that sometimes I get sad.
Last month, Avery found out that she lost her baby at 16 weeks. It was devastating and I still can't believe it happened. It's so frustrating to know that things like that happen and we'll never know why. The only thing I could say to comfort her is that, based on our experiences, it makes it that much more magical when you do get to hold your little baby in your arms for the first time. Honestly, Hadley came when she was good and ready and it was obviously the perfect time, even though we wanted her much, much earlier than that. God has a way of making things happen exactly when they should, it just hurts not knowing when that time is. I know she and Chris will get through this fine, I just wish they didn't have to feel any of it.
Hadley's speech hasn't been getting better so we have an appointment with someone from Idaho's Early Intervention program to evaluate her and get her set up with speech therapy. It's so sad to see her look at me and not have the words to say what she's feeling. She has always been so quiet and we thought she was just an internalizer and now I realize something is actually wrong and it kills me to think that she can't express herself. I can't wait to hear her sweet voice ask a question or watch her point to something and say it's name. She is so smart and I honestly don't know what's wrong. According to everything I've read, toddlers should know about 50 words by the time they're two. We are way below that, but I have faith that we'll be able to crack the code and use therapy to get her talking.
About three times a day I feel like a huge failure and am so frustrated that any progress I make with Hadley is interrupted when I have to go to work. How am I supposed to make any headway with her, when as soon as we get going I have to get my purse and coat on and leave her for another nine hours? There are weeks when I only see Hadley for a couple of hours a day and I'm getting so anxious. I don't know what to do. We're not at a point yet that I can go down to part time, especially since my job provides our great insurance. I feel like I'm missing something. Like the answer is out there and I can't see it.
Speaking of work, some of your probably heard the dismal news about my place of employment. BN is going to be closing hundreds of stores in the next ten years, and even though Boise will always be safe since there isn't much competition, it's still very scary and news like that always drops consumer confidence. I don't want to leave this full time job for another full time job. I need to go to part time but I truly don't know how to make it work. Any suggestions??
We're back in the infertility world, having been unsuccessful for four months. I've been on Clomid the whole time, with mixed hormone results. They want to talk to me about other options again (which we've tried, and/or couldn't afford) but I haven't made up my mind. Luckily, this time around it's not nearly as sad each month when I get my period since I have a beautiful, healthy toddler. I will never feel the overwhelming sadness that came each month and the anxiety that I may never be a mother. Hadley gave us so much peace, in so many ways. As much as we'd love another, having just Hadley would be perfect too. We're not going to give up, but if it takes years then so be it.
Well, there is my sad post. There are actually a lot of wonderful things going on in my world too, I just needed to vent and have a pity party. Thanks for listening.

Christmas 2012

This went about as well as we thought it would! Haha!
I am finally writing about Christmas! I never would have thought it'd take me over a month to write about a fun event, but that is the way things go nowadays.
Christmas 2012 was amazing. I was super busy at work, and for the most part, shoppers were friendly. It's still funny to me when people are out shopping on December 22nd and they say things like, "Wow, you're really busy!" or "What's going on today? Why are the lines this long?" Oh well, another notch on my retail belt.
After forgoing a tree last year, in the fear that crawling Hadley would tear it down, we were excited to get that greenery back into our house. For some reason, December 5th is my favorite date for a Christmas tree. Maybe because it's the birthday of my childhood best friend/cousin Michelle's birthday, or maybe because I know that we will get three full weeks out of it. Either way I absolutely love having that big smelly thing in my house. We found a beautiful tree at the tree lot in the Albertson's parking lot near our house. Hadley had fun running around looking at the trees and the big ferris wheel thing they had. I decorated the tree that night and Hadley never once touched it. It's funny how some things appeal to her (breaking lamps, pouring any and all liquid out onto carpet, etc.) but this Christmas tree did not hold sway.
This year, I tried to buy as many presents before the big rush as possible, but of course was doing some last minute shopping up until the big day. It's so fun to shop with the full intent of buying something to make someone else happy. I feel like I used to be really good at picking things out and have since lost my touch, but I still love trying. Levi and I went pretty light with each other, which is fine considering we don't really need anything and we'd both prefer dinner and a movie to just about anything.
On Christmas Eve, we did the traditional extended Gates party and then met up at Papa Brad's house for presents. What a night! We (especially Hadley) were completely spoiled.
The next morning we did Christmas with my mom at our house, just like last year. I love that Hadley will grow up with these traditions. We love letting her stay up late at Papa Brad's and then sleeping in a little bit on Christmas morning. I love turning listening to the best crooners sing Christmas songs while we unwrap presents. It's such a family-centered holiday and despite my tiredness from work, it's always amazing.
Here are some of the highlights from Christmas:

• My Aunt Bonnie got us a family pass to Zoo Boise for this whole next year! We will definitely put it to good use and can't wait to make those fun outings.
• Abuelita Maria got Hadley a big Disney Princess mirror that she's obsessed with. She pushes a button the top and it speaks to her. She dances in front of it, talks to herself in it, and checks herself out all the time.
• We got a bunch of fun gift cards to our favorite places like Chick-fil-A, JC Penneys (my favorite), movie theaters, etc. We have had a lot of fun spending them!
• My mom got Hadley a baby doll that fits in a little shopping cart we got her. She likes to squeal "Bayyy-Beee!" when she sees it.
• Papa Brad and Grandma Julie got Hadley a strider bike that we can't wait to use this summer. Hopefully her short leggies will grow, otherwise she can probably use it in the fall.
• I bought Levi seasons 1 and 2 of Breaking Bad and now it's all we do with our time after Hadley's in bed. Seriously, we're now on the third season and I can't even take a breath. So good.

Here's a ton of pictures from our fabulous Christmas. Thank you to everyone for your spoiling of us and our little girl. We sure love each and every one of you!

Hadley helping decorate.

A Pinterest idea that I stole.

Wearing her adorable dress from Aunt Heather to the Gates family party!

For some reason, Hadley had fun carrying and throwing this potato. She really is an Idaho spud!

Busted her snooping in the coat room.

Papa Brad's vintage Christmas tree with color wheel.

Hadley's Christmas jammies and Hello Kitty slippers. She loves hiding things in these pots.

Brad and Julie using face time to talk to Sevy and Chris in Boston. Love modern technology!

Stoked about her new bike and helmet!

This tool set she got from Seth was a huge hit! My girl loves her wrenches!

Giant dog from Zane's mom, Teresa. It's so soft!

My favorite thing about Christmas Day was my mom's turkey dinner. Yummmm!

I think we can sum up the happiness and joy of Christmas in this little girl's face.

Thanksgiving 2012

We had a fabulous Thanksgiving 2012, staying in Boise and enjoying the relaxing day before my Christmas work mayhem hit. It wasn't too cold of a day and we were able to eat outside at Levi's Aunt Barb's house. Hadley ran around the backyard and just looked so damn cute. I love that girl. Levi and I had fun catching up with all the extended family and we ate lots of yummy food. That night, we chose to have a mellow evening at home instead of going out to a movie like we usually do. We rented "Seeking a Friend for the End of the World" which was great. All in all, it was a wonderful day!

Is it just me, or does Levi get hotter with age?? So unfair! Also, gotta love Hadders in this one.

She also had lots of fun being thrown in the air by Uncle Chris and Grandma JuJu.

Playing Catch Up

I'm desperately trying to play catch-up with many things in my life, and this blog is definitely on the list. So here it is, two months late, my post that includes Thanksgiving. Hopefully I'll have a Christmas post by Valentine's Day :)

This winter has been a blast so far, with Hadley blowing our minds with her humor and charm. What did we do before she was here? We must have been bored stiff!
In early November, Laurie's whole family came up for a visit. Usually we get pieces of the Jacobsons, but this was the first time in a long time that we got ALL of them here. It was great! They came up for the Boise Temple open house and we had a great time with them. Hadley loves seeing her cousins and is always so sad when they leave.

Haha. This guy!

This fall wasn't too cold and we were able to enjoy the outdoors with light coats until the end of November. I still think I need to live somewhere warm ALL THE TIME, but Boise is a step up from Utah in regards to winter weather. On a warm November day, I picked up Eliza from her school and we went to Zoo Boise. Because it wasn't scorching hot, most of the animals were out and very playful. This was right before the sad death of the Patas monkey and we were lucky to see him one more time before that awful incident. The good news is that Zoo Boise was able to secure a couple of Patas monkeys to join the one left behind, and we look forward to seeing them this spring.

We were also able to enjoy one last day at the park before the really cold weather hit. Hadley looks so adorable in her boots!

Before Thanksgiving, Hadley got her first ear infection. She had been feeling crummy and just became more and more achy. Finally my mom realized that she probably had something going on with her ear and we took her to the doc-in-a-box, since it was (of course!) the weekend. I have never seen Hadley that hysterical and I don't know if I'll ever go back to that office. They took so long to see her and were so rough and unfriendly to a little toddler, who was obviously feeling miserable. The doctor didn't even prescribe the drops that help soothe the pain, just the antibiotics. Luckily a helpful pharmacy tech told me about the drops and we got Hadley's pediatrician's office to call some in for us. What a difference those drops made! It was like night and day and we had our sweet girl back before no time.

Oh no! I crying fit from Hadley?!

And we're done with that little outburst.

Gotta love her concentration tongue, always there to help her.

And here's one more picture of Hadley. She likes to walk around like this. She's a freakin' genius, I tell ya!