We're back from Redfish Lake, and what a great time we had! Levi, mom and I spent 3 days doing a lot of nothing (and by nothing I mean sitting on a gorgeous beach, soaking in the sun and reading our favorite books, watching fun movies in our cabin and playing rounds of Speed and Gin with the groovy playing cards we remembered to pack--literally, they were called "Groovy Cards", I'm not just being clever.) We ate yummy food and had lots of great conversations. It could not have been more perfect. Thank you mom and Levi, it was an amazing, and much needed, vacation.
On the down side, while we were up there we found out that we will not be able to have IVF done in September, or anytime in the future, like we planned. Basically I was initially told that our insurance covered a large portion of the procedure and it turns out they only cover a fraction of the cost. I knew it was too good to be true and I'm just kicking myself for getting my hopes up. I've been very focused and realistic during this whole infertility process and this was the only time I really let myself get excited, I even told my boss when I'd be taking off work and we had it all worked out. We honestly thought this was going to be it: we'd have a baby, possibly two, by the next time we went to Redfish Lake next year and now that dream is totally dashed (barring the possibility of winning the lottery or finding a bag of $10,000 on our front porch.)
I'm really at a loss and I'm not even going to pretend that I'm okay with this. I'm hurt and sad and I don't even know where to begin next. We already owe so much money for all the procedures, tests, medication, etc. that we've had so far, and it's only going to continue. I was so ready to quit Clomid and have this procedure done; I'm so over hot flashes, pills, phlebotomists, ovulation kits, pregnancy tests, late periods and crying. I hope this will all be over soon.
I'm sorry to be such a downer. I honestly don't have it in me to talk about how determined we are to keep trying, I'm just too tired to think about that right now. I think it will take a little bit of time to let this sink in and to fully accept that it may be a long, long time before we have any kids, if at all. I'm also sorry if anyone is sick of hearing me talk about my fertility issues, I just don't exactly know how to deal with them, and sometimes it feels good just to let it all out.
Hopefully I'll have some better news, or at least be more cheerful, with my next post. Sorry for the buzzkill post :(
6 comments:
I am so sorry. I know you'd make the best mom. You have such a great example to follow! It will work out Carly. Don't give up. We'll pray for you.
It's not a buzzkill--it's life! And it's a rollercoaster that we all ride together, right?!
Hey Carly, Its Erin(schaerrer) from HS i ran into your blog from lauar's Its good to see that you are doing well. Im sorry to hear about your pregnacy issues. I have one little girl i am so happy to have, i have been trying to get pregnat for about a year and a half now and have had 2 miscarriages back to back. so i do feel a little of your pain. Im so sorry i hope something will happen sometime soon for you, dont give up hope. I have a little adivce that might help you through it(im sure you have had plenty but this is what has been helping me.) My last miscarrage was about a month ago i delivered my small 12 week old baby in the toliet it was a really hard thing to have gone through(a week and half before this everything seemed to be fine), i have felt so much like you when it has come to all the money and all the other crap you have to do to try to have a baby. I recently decided to try and focus on something else so i could try and not get so involved with this whole process agian, you know how it is who would think trying to have a baby would be so stressful and not be as much fun as it should be :) and it has really worked i have been doing and excersie program which has let me refoucsed on me and not so much on the stress of trying to get pregnate. not that i dont have bad days but it has been good. Anyway maybe this doesn't make any sense but just know i know what you are going through and its tough so you do have the right to feel the way you do. I think it just fine to talk about how you are feeling. You will be in my prayers.
Erin
Carly, I'm so sorry about not being able to do the IVF. If I had a bunch of money, I'd give it all to you! I'm glad you had a good time at Red Fish Lake.
We have had a lot of miracles happen in this family, and there will be one for you and Levi somehow. We will keep praying for you guys!
I hope everything will work out for you. I wish I had $10 thou, it would be yours. I found this hilarious post from a friends blog and thought it might cheer you up: http://retrocomedy.com/2009/07/01/the-15-creepiest-vintage-ads-of-all-time/
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