Ever since we started trying for a baby (almost 10 months ago) I have been through every emotion under the sun. I have felt joy unlike anything in this world and I've felt sorrow so horrible I didn't think I could ever feel any worse.
Right now I'm at a low point because we have yet to conceive since my miscarriage in December. I know it doesn't sound like it's been that long, but it feels like an eternity to me. Every day that goes by I think of hardly anything else than the baby I so desperately want. Every month that it doesn't happen means I have to put on my strong face and keep my head up and I'm becoming exhausted. I'm tired of taking Clomid every month and getting multiple blood tests to check my progesterone (along with spending up to $50 on home pregnancy tests) only to get bad news.
I feel completely helpless because if I can't get pregnant while on Clomid it means I'm out of options. We don't have enough money to do IVF (which can cost up to $4000 each time) and we certainly don't have enough money to adopt. What are we supposed to do? I've only become pregnant once and I miscarried very early on. What happens if I can't get pregnant again or if I keep having miscarriages? Does this mean we just won't have kids? I don't think I can handle that option. Levi is much stronger than me. He told me that he set himself up to be happy if we get pregnant, but tries not to worry about infertility.
I feel like damaged goods. I feel like I did something wrong. I know that's an extremely immature way to think, but I can't help it. I try to look at the positive in everything in life, but infertility doesn't seem to have any positives.
Does anyone out there have any advice for me? I feel like I'm sinking and I don't know if I can continue being disappointed month after month. Any advice would help (except stories about how easy it was for you to get pregnant. For some reason people always tell me that when they hear I'm on fertility drugs. This doesn't make me feel better.)
I know that only my family reads this blog and my family is full of strong women that know how to make it through tough times. Please let me know what to do!
Thanks for listening
Carly
5 comments:
Carly, I thought about you all day today. I'm sure this is going to be at the very top of your "hardest things about life" list when you're old. I'm so sorry. I don't know why it isn't happening easily for you, but it WILL happen, and you will have learned some good life lessons along the way. Patience, perserverence, faith, hope and the power of prayer come to mind immediately. I think sometimes Heavenly Father throws a wrench in the works sometimes to slow us down and make us remember that He's there, and to rely on Him.
You will be a mother someday, and a darn good one. Just keep hoping and relying on your family. We're all here for you! I love you!
I was thinking of another interesting thing about trying to get or getting pregnant--you sure notice the other women in the world, and realize how many of them must be on the same roller coaster ride you're on. Now whenever I hear of someone having a miscarriage, or unable to conceive my heart just breaks. I never had those feelings before. Add compassion to the list of lessons learned...
I know nothing can make it all better (besides two little pink lines!) but our whole family is thinking of you and Levi, and praying for you. Our kids always include "Aunt Carly and Uncle Levi having a baby" in their prayers.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It does suck. I agree with everything Heather has said and can't put it into better words. I'll call you though...
Love you!
All I know is that babies must be so very precious because they can be so hard to get! LOve, cousin Rachel
Oh Carly, I wish I could come give you a big hug. The thing that came to my mind while reading your blog is a friend of mine who just adopted a baby (the day after Christmas.) They've waited a long time and thought they would never be able to afford it but things worked out somehow. She just did a post about their experience. The address is http://shott-scawna.blogspot.com/ You should look it up. Let me know if I can do anything for you. Miscarriages are really awful.
Post a Comment