A big, ugly word.

Hysterosalpingogram.
Have you ever heard an uglier word? However you say it, I'm having it done to me on Monday. It's a procedure that injects dye into my uterus to see if my fallopian tubes are fully open. Since I'm only ovulating every other month, one side may look pinched or closed off. This will at least allow me to see what's going on and start making plans on what the next step should be.
Yes, this really is a uterus vase. Classy folks, classy.

My mom had the HSG done years ago when she was trying to get pregnant with me and said it was one of the most painful things she's ever done. I was hoping, since that was nearly thirty years ago, that technology had changed and it would be a totally pain-free experience. To solidify this thought I started googling information about the procedure. Not a good idea. I found horror story after horror story of women saying how awful it is, how horrific the cramps are, how uncomfortable it is, etc. etc. Yikes!! I was told to take some Motrin before my appointment. Perhaps I'll just bring a wooden mallet and have Levi knock me out halfway through the procedure if it becomes too painful.
Until my appointment, I'm going to pretend that I'm going to a day spa next Monday. Thinking of myself laying face down, getting a back rub by a large Swedish woman named Olga while listening to that wonderful zen music is much more comforting than thinking about my legs hovering, aided by metal stirrups, unnaturally in the air while my innards are filled with dye.

Thanks for clearing that up, Chan Ho Park

This is good for a LOL. When asked why he blew the first game against the Red Sox this year, Yankees pitcher Chan Ho Park had this to say....


What's that song? "When you're running into first and you feel a sudden burst...."
I love Mariano Rivera laughing in the background.

Sinking house and other thoughts

I came home on Friday to my dining room ceiling weeping. This was a surprise. I was planning on coming home and plopping my butt on the couch to do some more simplified Sudoku (my new hobby). Instead I found this:




Apparently the pipe going from the toilet to the wall in our upstairs bathroom is all messed up. This caused the water to leak from the wall, to the floor and down into the floor's cracks, finally coming out the chandelier hole in our dining room. The insurance adjuster will be out today and I'm really keeping my fingers crossed. I just pray that at least some of the damage is covered. Wish us luck!
In addition to that bit of home improvement we are also going to be getting new carpet this year. I'm so excited! The carpet that came with the house is the WORST. It will be nice to able to vacuum the carpet and actually have something come out of the carpet. Right now all the cat hair, thread, etc. just lays stubbornly on the carpet and refuses to be vacuumed up.
Also, while we're at it, I want to repaint our bedroom. Any suggestions? This picture makes it look like the green/blue color we have on the wall is light, but it's actually quite dark...too dark. What color should we pick next?


Other than the house falling apart, things have been going great. I was able to see the Swedish movie version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and it was every bit as intense as the book. I needed to decompress after seeing it! I'm reading the second book of the series right now and the final third book comes out in May. The benefit of working at a bookstore is always knowing the release dates of books. I was thinking of getting bumper stickers for all my fellow booksellers, maybe something like "Booksellers do it with their thinking caps on." but that ends in a preposition....I still struggle with that. Any other suggestions for a clever bookseller phrase? Working at a bookstore is endlessly amusing. It still amazes me how quickly people walking in the door have to rush to the bathroom. It must be the smell of the coffee. I remember Heather couldn't take either or her kids into the B&N without them having a major bowel movement minutes after walking in. (Another sentence ending in a preposition! I need help with my grammar!)

On a totally unrelated subject, I found the video for Loretta Lynn's "I Miss being Misses Tonight" on youtube. In 2004 Jack White of the White Stripes semi-resurrected Ms. Lynn's career by teaming up with her and producing her album "Van Lear Rose", similar to the way Rick Rubin revived Johnny Cash's career in the '90s and early 2000's. This video reminds me of Cash's "Hurt" video, kind of a reflection on their life of fame and the sadness of losing loved ones.
Mom, I DARE you to watch this without crying!


Here's Johnny Cash's "Hurt" video. What is it about it that's so intense! Goosebumps everytime!

(I had a dream the other night that the tattoo on my foot of Johnny Cash's signature washed off and I was so sad!)

Easter 2010

I love Easter. It means it's spring, and in the case of this year, it means it's opening day for baseball! We are beyond excited for another year of baseball and all the rivalries that come with it.
It's going to be a great season!



This year I actually had a three day weekend over the Easter holiday. Don't ask me how I lucked out. I requested it off a year ago and the retail gods saw to it that my wish was granted. Every year the Gates family meets at the home of one of the aunts or uncles and we have Easter lunch and then the kids do an Easter egg hunt. Only there's a twist: The Gates clan uses MONEY instead of candy for the easter eggs. You heard that right. Money. It's insane! All the grown-ups (excluding these two grownups, who are still coming to terms with their grown-upness) chip in a bunch of change and all that change gets tallied and divided amongst eggs. Rather than filling the eggs with the actual money, we write the amount on the egg and the children get to redeem it for the cash. Almost every single kid there this year walked away with at least $20. It's crazy! To think that when I was a kid I was knocking over my younger cousins to get an egg with a few jelly beans in it. I can't imagine how ruthless I would have become if there was the promise of $10.
This year we had the party at Grams' rest home. It's a great little place near the Boise foothills and they have rooms that accommodate big parties. I played the banker and there was a lot of pressure to give those kids the correct amount of money! Luckily Avery helped me count (she's a banker in real life, phew!) We had lots of fun visiting with all the aunts and uncles and enjoyed relaxing over the holiday weekend.

Gotta love Brad's shirt!

The Easter Egg Hunt at Grams' retirement home

Those kids made out like bandits!

I love this kid.

Check him out, pumping up the Sox!

Spring and a naughty puppy.

I am happy. Here is proof:


I am happy that it's almost spring. I know that the calendar insists that it IS spring, but the weather doesn't seem to think so. What a miserable spring break the kids up here have had! But, brief snowstorms aside, I am stoked for a glorious turnaround of weather. Even my trees are ready for this change:

(I would like to point out how much better my $160 camera is than our $369 that we returned. Yay for good bargains!)
I am also happy because we have been doing a little bit of yard work to make the front of our house more inviting. So far we're three grass bushes and thirteen bags of red bark into the project. Wish us luck!


At this moment I am also unhappy. Here's the proof:

I am unhappy because our basset hound, who turns one this month, still has a chewing problem. As most of you know, Levi and I LOVE sitting on the couch and watching movies and our tv. Buster has decided that we don't need to use our tv remote anymore.
Exhibit A:

What a BAD DOG!! As his punishment he was banished to the backyard where the rain was out in full force.

Some day Buster will learn that good dogs get to stay inside during rainstorms and enjoy the comfort of their bed:

Yummmmm

Look what I had today:


After going 41 full days without my delicious neon-green Mountain Dew, I gave in and quenched my thirst. You know how people say that after giving something up they realize they didn't miss it? Not true. At all. I missed it every single day and it tasted just as delicious as I'd hoped it would. I'll never drink as much of it as I did, probably just have a couple per week. I'm proud of myself though. I didn't think I could do it and it ended up being fairly easy. Levi is still going strong without Diet Pepsi. He's going to have one on Easter Sunday, going 47 days without his liquid crack.
This week has been fairly uneventful. I had another acupuncture appointment today and this time was even more relaxing. I fell asleep within five minutes and was unbelievably peaceful. Even if it doesn't help my fertility, it's worth the money to go into a warm, dark room and relax for forty minutes. Seriously, when else in life can you just sit and relax and not have to do or worry about anything. It's worth every penny.

I'm excited for Easter this weekend. I need to plan Levi's Easter basket. That's a tradition that we've had since we got married. Even if we're flat broke, we still scrape enough together to buy a few knick knacks and some candy for each other. It's one of my favorite holidays because of this. This year I was able to get the entire weekend off, which is an absolute miracle. I have Friday, Saturday and Sunday off and I'm not going to do ANYTHING except have a good time.
We've been working on our front yard and I need to get some more bushes this weekend. Slowly but surely our house is becoming more of a home. I'll post some pictures after we get some more plants in. Why do plants have to be so expensive?? They should be free! They're just part of nature! Sheesh.

Well, hopefully I'll have more pictures to post in my next entry. Hope everyone is having a great week!

End of March already?!

This post brought to you by one of my new favorite CDs. (Normally at B&N we play really mellow music. This is the first pop album we've played in forever and I love it! Total 80s dance.)


I feel like it's been forever since my last post. The weeks have been flying by and I can't believe we're nearly 1/4 done with 2010. Crazy!
Last week I got to see my cutie-pie niece Eliza and her Irish dance group perform at the capital. They were darling and I'm so proud of her. I can't even do step aerobics, so I can't comprehend how she makes her feet move the way she does.
While attempting to take pictures of her dancing, I realized that our two month old $400 camera was a giant piece of crap. We had taken it to the experts at Idaho Camera about a month ago and even they said it was awful. I still had the receipt for it (we bought it at a place that rhymes with "Lears" and has the words "Satisfaction Guaranteed" on the back of the receipt.) Obviously I was not satisfied with the camera and wanted to return it for one that actually works. We decided that we just need a little point and shoot camera, nothing fancy. After much protesting and a call from the sales guy to his manager we were given the credit and we bought a much simpler camera and still have lots left over on the store credit. I splurged a little and bought not ONE full-figure minimizing bras, but TWO full figure minimizing bras. *Yes, they happen to be buy one get one half off. I was still excited. Levi almost splurged and bought a fancy hammer, but he held back. Such restraint!


Today I went to my acupuncture appointment and enjoyed every minute of it. Seriously, it's so relaxing. I fell asleep in the chair and woke myself up snoring. It's in a dark room and you sit in a heated recliner and listen to soothing new-age music. I was in heaven for that half hour. One downside is my smelly feet. I have no idea why, but my feet stink. It's something that I'm used to, but this morning while I was getting ready I remembered that I'd have to take off my shoes for the acupuncture and I thought I'd counteract it by actually wearing socks. This may have helped minimize the damage, but it certainly didn't cure it. I hope she didn't notice. I tried wiping my feet quickly with my socks while her back was turned and she stuck the pins in so quick I don't know if she even had time to get a whiff. I even listened intently when she left the room to see if she said something like, "Man, that girl's feet are funky!" Luckily I heard no such thing. I will have a better plan in place when I go back next week.

Levi has been reading like a machine! I'm so proud of him and I find myself struggling to keep up with him. About two years ago I bought him the Harry Potter box set because I knew that he would love them. He loves all the movies and I've poked and prodded for years to get him to read them. Finally he decided to read number seven and I almost punched him when, halfway through it, he said, "Why didn't you tell me these were so good?" Aaaaghhh! I've done nothing but tell him how amazing they are. Oh well. I'm just glad he likes them and is now starting with number one after completing number seven. Now he can understand why I wept openly when Sirius died (not to mention Hedwig, Lupin, Fred, Dumbledore, Snape, etc. etc. I've realized how in love with each character I am and how devastated I was to lose them.)

I can't wait for the Harry Potter theme park to open in Orlando. I will most definitely be making a trip there. I hope they serve butterbeer!

Well, I better go to bed. I work tomorrow and then have two whole days off in a row! What to do with myself.

Working twice as hard with half as much.

We found out some more disappointing fertility news this week. The mystery of why I only ovulate some months, even when on medication, has most likely been solved. It appears I'm only able to ovulate on one side, which means only every other month. This news sucks, as I realize that instead of twelve potential months per year, only six were ever possible. Six?! That's hardly any at all. I feel like we already had two strikes against us with my progesterone/ovulation issues and Levi's lower sperm count. I feel like this is three strikes. I guess it's a miracle that I was ever able to get pregnant in the past; it also makes those two miscarriages more infuriating, knowing how perfect everything had to be to get pregnant and then not being able to get those babies past the first trimester.
Another frustrating thing is knowing that Boise only has two infertility specialists (they both run the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine) and my insurance considers them out-of-network. So I can see them, but I'll have to pay nearly 50% out of pocket. As anyone who knows anything about infertility knows, the procedures, appointments, medication, etc. are not cheap so paying 50% would bankrupt us. Why does my insurance care who helps me with infertility? Why are they out-of-network, when they're the ONLY two specialists in Boise. Oh yeah, there was a third specialist and he was in-network with my insurance but when I called to make an appointment with him last week I was told he just retired. Lovely.
So we're getting to a fork in the road: Do we continue doing what we're doing, which is becoming increasingly frustrating, only to perhaps miscarry again? Or do we take the adoption route, which is so expensive it would take years to save up enough money. Thankfully I have a supportive husband who is fine with either option. He's been so kind through all of this. Whenever I start to feel like a freak of nature who can't do what women are supposed to do, he's there to remind me that it's not my fault. He's been to so many appointments with me, has been to adoption seminars, has been poked/prodded/tested all in the name of bringing a life into our home.
I have to stop thinking of terms of, "Well next year I might be pregnant...." or "I wonder if I should wait to buy a dress for Avery's wedding, because I might be pregnant..." or "We shouldn't plan a trip for next summer because I might be pregnant..."
These thoughts are limiting our ability to make plans for the future, outside of babymaking. I need to be okay with assuming I won't be pregnant and live my life to the fullest. This will be the biggest obstacle to overcome as I've never given up hope, even being the realist that I am. I have to face facts soon and make the decision of what to do. This is terrifying, especially considering all our choices are based on money. It's too much money to adopt. Too much money to have in-vitro fertilization. Too much money to have procedure after procedure done if they don't guarantee I'll get pregnant and keep the baby.
I can only hope we make the right decision and that all our hard work will be rewarded. I usually avoid the, "I deserve this!" mentality, but I find myself having that attitude more and more as the months pass.
Woah, I guess this has turned into a more personal journal entry than a blog. I'm sorry if this was a bit rambly (is that a word? It is now.) I just ask that you all hug your children extra tight. They are such a blessing and should be seen as the miracle that they are.

My favorite place in Boise.

Can I just say how happy I am with the outcome of the Oscars. I really feel like the right movies were rewarded in their proper place.
One of my favorite things about living in Boise is having The Flicks theater so close. The Flicks is a locally owned, independent movie theater. It's a small movie house with two normal sized screens and two smaller screens. They serve food and have homemade cookies and don't charge out the nose for a tub of popcorn. When I first moved to Boise and didn't know very many people, I would go there all the time and catch the latest independent movies. Salt Lake City has a couple of indie movie houses so I was grateful to still have the chance to catch great movies. Don't get me wrong, I love going to the movies just about anywhere, but The Flicks definitely has a special place in my heart (and a special place in my stomach too, since they have the world's BEST panini sandwiches!)
Having that type of movie house in Boise has been so great for Levi and me. We got to see The Hurt Locker when it wasn't even playing in most cities. We've also seen amazing foreign movies and other movies that wouldn't normally play at a regular cinema. We saw Slumdog Millionaire three times at Flicks before it even hit the regular theaters. Can I also just say that it was the first place to be playing Napoleon Dynamite before it became popular :) Heather and I saw it there and were howling with laughter so hard, I was sure the people in the lobby could hear us.
So because of this place, I was able to see just about every single one of the Oscar nominated films. The only ones I haven't seen yet are The Blind Side and Precious. Obviously I was cheering for The Hurt Locker to win, but I was also so glad to see Jeff Bridges win for Crazy Heart and Christoph Waltz win Best Supporting Actor.
I love it also for opening my eyes to so many great movies. We wouldn't have ever seen Waltz with Bashir or The Lives of Others.
In days where movies like Avatar (which I strongly disliked) are the clear-cut box office winners, it's good to know I have a place to go see the underdogs.

Another fun website

Hackedirl.com




It's definitely good for a chuckle.

Time flies.

Some of Levi's birthday treasures :)
Phew, how is it already March?!
Last week we had a lot of fun with Eliza and Levi's birthday. My mom and nieces Carlie and Rachel came up with her and we had a blast. I have pictures of Eliza's birthday, but I haven't got the chance to upload them yet. Levi's party was a success. Bowling at the BSU student union building followed by The Big Lebowski at my father in law's house. Levi made out like a bandit and I wanted to say thank you to everyone who came or wished him a happy 30th.
I'm getting really excited for Spring. This WILL be the year I fix up the yard, despite having two dogs who are determined to ruin my efforts. Our rock garden will be complete and we'll lay more sod in areas that have died. I'm so excited for baseball to start. Life is always better when a game's on. Buying the MLB Extra Innings ticket for DirecTV is one of the best purchases we ever made.
Well, I have to get ready for work. Here are some pics of the party (although anyone who reads this is already on Facebook and has probably already seen these. Oh well.)

Quick post

I just have a minute before I need to go get my hair did. Levi's birthday was yesterday but his party isn't until Saturday. I gave him one present yesterday and he'll have to wait for the rest. We went to dinner and finished up season one of "Brotherhood". I still can't believe Levi is 30! I happen to like being in my late twenties and would like to stay just where I am :)
My mom's surgery was successful and we're so grateful to all the family in Utah for taking good care of her. Love you mom!
Levi and I are on day EIGHT without Diet Pepsi or Mountain Dew. It's been easier than we thought, though not without some tough moments. I find that I don't want to eat as much junk food because the junk food always tasted better with Mountain Dew. I hope I can keep up the momentum. I've still had Sprite and Fresca whenever I crave the citrus or the fizziness, but otherwise I'm surviving on cans of Lipton's Ice Tea and gas station french vanilla cappuccinos.
Well, I'm off to the hair salon. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get short bangs again, unless I change my mind on the way there. I've decided that I'm going to start a hair magazine that shows how different styles would look on a woman with meat on her bones. All the hair magazines have twig-thin models so of course pixie cuts look amazing. People need to see what would look decent on a REAL person.
Well, I'll update later. Hope everyone is having a great day!

Lent.

Levi and I have made a BIG commitment for Lent: We're giving up our sodas. I'll be giving up my beloved Mountain Dew for forty days and Levi will be giving up his addiction to Diet Pepsi. This is huge. Levi can drink over 64 ounces of Diet Pepsi a day, and while I don't drink nearly that much Mountain Dew, I've rarely gone a day without that neon green drink.
Wish us luck!! (This is going to be harder than I thought. While googling images of Mountain Dew to put on this blog I practically started salivating at the mouth for the citrus-y goodness.)

Tuesday ramblings.

Another month with disappointing news. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I must have a buried well of blind optimism in me, because I always think "this IS the month!" I guess that's better than being a full-blown cynic, I just need to figure out a balance so I'm not so crushed every time I get a visit from the period fairy.
I found a doctor on my insurance's website who I think might be able to help me. I get a good vibe from him because his page bio says he had interests in infertility and he has five kids himself...so obviously he knows HOW to conceive. Also he went to BYU and served a mission in Japan. Bonus points! I'm going to call tomorrow and see if I can meet with him ASAP. I'm really ready to try something else, something that doesn't cost a fortune. Wish me luck.

In other news, I NEED A HAIRCUT! I was trying to grow my hair out (my sisters are probably rolling their eyes in understanding at this statement.) All three of us have tried to "grow" our hair out and we always end up chopping it off. Apparently we weren't meant for hair below the shoulders. (I guess that rules out polygamy for us!) I'm definitely thinking I want bangs again. Also, my hair has been this atrocious mousy blonde for WAY too long and I'm looking to get some serious blonde in there or else some great secondary colors. I feel like my hair is the one thing I have control over. Things such as my giant butt are something I'm working on, but results may take a while. Haircuts are instant. I like instant.

Valentines Day was a nice day, indeed. Levi & I went to the state capitol, which recently reopened after being renovated. It's beautiful and the money was well spent because it makes a person proud to live in Idaho. I love how close we live to this.



Looking up at the dome. Gorgeous, no?





Afterwards we took the dogs to the dog park and had a good time.

Whom is walking whom?



That night we made brownies and watched Amelie, my all time favorite romantic move. Calling it a romantic comedy doesn't do it justice. It's so sweet, so funny, so beautiful. Seriously, doesn't this music give you CHILLS?!


Anyways, that's my update. I'm going to kick off my shoes and park my butt on the couch. Only a few more weeks until opening day of baseball!!

Awesome card

Post 201: Valentine's Day

Normally Valentine's Day isn't my favorite holiday. I don't dislike it, I just prefer other holidays like Halloween and Fourth of July. That said, I would like to take this particular day to gloat about my wonderful hubby. I feel like I've posted many reasons why Levi is great, so I'm sorry if any of these are repeats, I just want the world to know how much I appreciate him. Here are some of those reason:

1.Familiarity. I realize that this gets better as the years go by. We know each other's routines, habits, preferences, etc. and it is the most fabulous thing. Our routine is so comfortable and I wouldn't change it for anything. From April to October it's baseball and dinner after we're both home from work, and in the winter we catch up on all our DVDs. When we go to bed we both read for a little while and then go to sleep, me always laying on my right side and Levi putting his left arm around me. I couldn't fall asleep any other way. The only thing unromantic about this when he rips a big fart just as I'm falling asleep. I think my dad would be proud. Levi insists that I fart in bed too, but we all know that girls don't fart. Am I right ladies?

2. Loyalty. Levi would do ANYTHING for the people he loves. Just today he was over at his dad's house helping with home improvement stuff, this is the second Saturday in a row he has helped his dad out with this stuff. He has no problem using his days off to help his family. I also benefit from this trait and am frequently blessed with him dropping everything he wants to do for doing what I want to do.

3. Humor. I don't know anyone who can make me laugh through storytelling the way Levi does. He remembers acute details about people and can relay these details into stories. Where anyone else would say, "Today I saw a person trip and almost fall." Levi can describe their clothes, the way they flailed their arms and what their face looked like while it was happening. It makes for some very amusing tales and I'm glad anytime I have a bad day he's waiting with a funny story.

Those are just three little reasons why I have one helluva great husband. Levi, this Valentine's Day I hope you know how much I love and respect you. You are my other half and I think life would be completely bland without you. Love you!!

Would it be classified as TMI?

I've realized my life has taken me down a path I had not planned when I feel like skipping up to strangers and saying, "Guess what? I ovulated this month! For the first time in three months!" And then skip away.

Shoes, sales, hormones and home improvement.

My feet decided to revolt against me. Normally I wear cute shoes that cost under $30, and it finally started to catch up to me. At my job, not only do I walk around three to five miles per day (the store is HUGE), but I'm also usually carrying heavy loads of books or shelves. A couple of days ago I got out of bed when my alarm went off and felt pain all over in my feet, in the arches, the heels, even my toes hurt. I decided to bite the bullet and invest in a quality pair of shoes:

Let's just say they make me feel a quarter of a century older since all the women I work with who wear these shoes are exactly 50 years old and up. Normally I would just suck it up and wear the cute, cheap shoes that I always do, but these shoes are VERY comfortable and I'm excited for my feet to start healing. The only crappy thing about it was paying nearly full price for them (they were on "sale" for $99) and then finding out I could have bought them online for just over half that. Bummer. Lesson learned.
But for every sale opportunity door that closes, another opens. Today I went to Urban Outfitters to find a Valentines Day knick knack for Levi and walked out empty handed (not to mention a little discouraged that my right arm couldn't fit into anything in that store), and wandered into the Ann Taylor next door. They are having a great sale and I got a black cardigan (what else?) that was normally $68.99 for $9.99 and a fitted jacket that was normally $98 for $19.98. Score!!

Here is the jacket. Stacy and Clinton insist that every woman needs a fitted jacket to pair with either rich looking trousers, a fitted pencil skirt or a great pair of jeans. I have none of those those three (well, I do have four pencil skirts, they just don't fit anymore.) I do however have my overly-worn, frayed-at-the-hem Target-brand work pants. I will somehow make this outfit work!
In more good news, I got my monthly progesterone test back yesterday and it was a great number. The assistant said it was my second highest number yet (32). She left me a cute message that said, "Keep going and don't forget to continue to have intercourse!" Like we could forget! It's practically marked on the calendar, for Pete's sake. Trying to get pregnant for so long sure does take the romance out of the whole thing. Someday it will all be worth it :)
Levi's birthday is almost upon us, which means my mom's visit is almost here! This year she is bringing not only Carlie Paige with her, but cutie Rachel as well. We're so excited for their visit.
For the last few days, we've been playing "Find the Smell" in our home and have finally located the source. About three days ago, the pipe that goes between the dishwasher and the garbage disposal came loose and water got everywhere. We thought we mopped it up but the smell of old water permeated our house. We kept getting on our hands and knees and sniffing all around the kitchen to no avail. Finally Levi figured out that it was underneath our faux hardwood flooring and was able to pull up a couple of pieces to air it out. Hopefully this works. I'm tired of that musty smell!
Well, I better go. It's my day off and the house is totally messy. Guess I better get to it :)

Drought

I have absolutely nothing to report. How is it possible that NOTHING has happened over the last month. Literally, nothing worth reporting. I know that they say that no news is good news, but I'm not so sure. No news is embarrassing and makes me question what I'm doing with my life. Seriously, if I can't find one single thing to report, is my life even half as interesting as I'd hoped it'd be?