Today I got a call from my OBGYN's office. Since I was pumped full of every type of fertility medicine possible this month, we expected my progesterone numbers to be through the roof. Even though we gave up pursuing the options laid out for us by the Idaho Reproductive Medicine Center, we still held out hope that all the work we had done would come out with a positive result.
Throughout this whole process, my lowest progesterone number was 4.0 (which was during a month that we now know I wasn't ovulating.) Since this was my "on" month and since I took twice the amount of Clomid I always do, plus a million shots of FSH and a shot of HCG we were expecting it to be past 32, which was my best month's number in the past.
Nope. This month it was 1.8
Again, my lowest number ever, previous to today was 4. How could I only have a 1.8.
This makes me feel even lower than I've felt before, if that's even possible. How can my body be so stupid? How can it do the exact opposite of what I'm willing it to do? Every person out there was sending good vibes our way and we were still so hopeful this month would work, even if we had to give up on the expensive plan due to our financial restrictions.
Late in May, when we realized all the things that were wrong with my body, we knew that we'd probably never be able to conceive, but since I was only in the middle of my cycle at that point, we held our breath and thought of this as the last hurrah. Guess it just isn't going to work out for us. Also, while I was on the phone getting the bad news from the OBGYN's office, I was logged into facebook and saw that two of my friends announced they're pregnant. I'm not saying I won't be able to handle hearing about other's pregnancies in the future, it's just really hard right now.
I'm sorry to sound so negative. I'm just in shock. It is official that we will probably never be able to conceive. I have to accept that and start living. I've already started my diet and I'm ready to look to the future. I'm lucky that I have a husband who is willing to spend the next 50 years alone with me.
Thank you to everyone who supported me during this time, especially in this last month. I'm sorry I wasn't able to deliver better news.
6 comments:
I am so sorry Carly! We love you!
We all love you Carly...no matter what "news" you deliver! We will all still pray for a miracle. It may be years away, but somewhere, I think,there is a child who you will call you "mom."
Hugs.
Carly, I wish I could make everything better for you. I'm still hoping for something to work out, so if you need to take a break from it all and move forward, the rest of us will hope and pray for you. You're such an awesome person and seeing what a great love you and Levi have for each other is really inspiring. I'm sorry if this sounds trite. I just want you to know I'm pulling for you and love you and I think you are such a strong person!
Man. What a drag.
Somewhere out there is a little baby spirit rooting for you! Someday when you're holding him/her you'll look back and breathe a sigh of relief at all this hard stuff.
Keep yer chin up! I love you!
Carly, you are so strong. Thanks for sharing your pain with us, I feel honored to be able to read about your life. I know there's nothing that I can say to help but I believe there's a reason for everything. You never know what the future will bring. Thanks, Carly...
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