Farewell to Grams

About 3:30 this morning we were awakened by a phone call from Levi's dad. Levi's dear Grams had passed away during the night. Levi was actually the last family member who saw her alive, when he visited her at her nursing home yesterday afternoon. He said he knew that she would be passing soon and we weren't surprised when we got that phone call.
Grams (Her name is Ellyn Gates, but she's "Grams" to anyone who has known her more than five minutes) was one of the sweetest, kindest, most gentle women I've ever met. She treated me, from the very first time I met her five years ago, like I was one of her grandkids that she had known since birth. She was always so excited to see everyone and always made a person feel like they were the most important person in the room.
I will always have memories of her sitting on her little scooter, pleasantly listening to the conversations around her. She was so sad she couldn't come to our wedding (she was in the hospital) and always brought it up saying she wished she could have been there.
To name all the great things about Grams would be futile: there are just too many things to list. I'm so glad that we live in a house where we are constantly reminded of her. We use a little quilted basket she made us to hold our remotes. We have her mirror hanging in our dining room. We have so many little knick knacks from her and it makes me so happy to remember her when I see these things.
Grams raised six wonderful kids and you've never seen such devotion from children. Grams never went eight hours without a visit from one of her children, or their children. Every time we went there, another relative was just leaving.
Grams, you will be so unbelievably missed. I'm so glad for all the time I got to spend with you. You were such an inspiration to me, teaching me kindness and how to stay positive. This world has lost a shining star, but the afterlife has just gained one.
We love you Grams!
Grams and Levi looking through photos.

Levi's dad Brad and stepmom Julie with Grams.

Levi's tattoo. It's a spool of thread and a needle designed to look like a sacred heart.

One of the many reasons I love Boise.

This is literally a ten minute walk from my house. I am so blessed!

Scott's Visit.

My wonderful big brother Scott and his three sweet girls came for a visit on Wednesday. We had a great time and I can't wait until they come up again!! Thank you for such a great visit!

The Anne Frank Memorial


Idaho History Museum


Whitney having fun at the Discovery Center


Athena at the Discovery Center


I'm going to miss them!


Big Jud's two pound challenge. (Big Jud's was featured on Man Vs. Food) This is the before picture. Notice the smile.


The almost-done picture. Notice the absence of smile.


Scott was victorious. Well done, sir!

Positive note.

Yesterday I had a lot of fun things going on, they were just temporarily overshadowed by the call from the doctor.
Anyway, let's talk about the fun stuff. Who says Idaho doesn't have beaches??

Sandy Point Beach is about eight minutes from my house and is fabulous! The beach is a section of Lucky Peak Reservoir that has been made into a park area. There's a big park with tons of benches, bbqs and sand volleyball courts. Down from there is the beach and the water. It's totally fun and only $5 a car to get in! I can't believe this is my seventh Boise summer without ever visiting there. I think it's a great place for a family reunion. Waddya say Jennings' siblings??
Eliza, Wilson, Wilson's friend Dane and I had a great time, though my back is as red as a lobster. First burn of the year, can't complain too much.




Sunday was Levi's sister Sevy's birthday. We went over to my father-in-laws and had cake and ice cream and chatted for a while. Last night we had her birthday dinner at Famous Dave's in Meridian. That restaurant seriously has some of the best BBQ I've tasted! I'm always happy when someone has a birthday because there's a small chance we'll eat there. Yumm!


After dinner, we came home to this little surprise on our porch:

Heather and the kids bought me these plants! How cool is that? I can't wait to plant them in front of our kitchen window. They'll look great! Also, Levi and I bought a couple of adirondack chairs for our front yard (50% off at Shopko!) and we can't wait to use them this summer.

Also, Scott and his girls are coming up tomorrow to spend some time in Boise! I really wish I didn't work all the days they're here, but that's life I guess. Can't wait to see you guys!

Even though I got some bad news yesterday, it was still a great day filled with family. You can't beat that!

Untitled.

Today I got a call from my OBGYN's office. Since I was pumped full of every type of fertility medicine possible this month, we expected my progesterone numbers to be through the roof. Even though we gave up pursuing the options laid out for us by the Idaho Reproductive Medicine Center, we still held out hope that all the work we had done would come out with a positive result.
Throughout this whole process, my lowest progesterone number was 4.0 (which was during a month that we now know I wasn't ovulating.) Since this was my "on" month and since I took twice the amount of Clomid I always do, plus a million shots of FSH and a shot of HCG we were expecting it to be past 32, which was my best month's number in the past.
Nope. This month it was 1.8
Again, my lowest number ever, previous to today was 4. How could I only have a 1.8.
This makes me feel even lower than I've felt before, if that's even possible. How can my body be so stupid? How can it do the exact opposite of what I'm willing it to do? Every person out there was sending good vibes our way and we were still so hopeful this month would work, even if we had to give up on the expensive plan due to our financial restrictions.
Late in May, when we realized all the things that were wrong with my body, we knew that we'd probably never be able to conceive, but since I was only in the middle of my cycle at that point, we held our breath and thought of this as the last hurrah. Guess it just isn't going to work out for us. Also, while I was on the phone getting the bad news from the OBGYN's office, I was logged into facebook and saw that two of my friends announced they're pregnant. I'm not saying I won't be able to handle hearing about other's pregnancies in the future, it's just really hard right now.
I'm sorry to sound so negative. I'm just in shock. It is official that we will probably never be able to conceive. I have to accept that and start living. I've already started my diet and I'm ready to look to the future. I'm lucky that I have a husband who is willing to spend the next 50 years alone with me.
Thank you to everyone who supported me during this time, especially in this last month. I'm sorry I wasn't able to deliver better news.

Creative Eliza

Today I kidnapped Eliza and had her with me all day. After her orchestra practice, we grabbed lunch at our favorite bagel place and hit the shops. We found great paper for bookmarking (I needed more kid-driven paper and Eliza provided some great insight and helped me pick some super cute paper) then went to good old B&N where Eliza picked out the Pride and Prejudice graphic novel. (Hats off to my sister Heather for getting Eliza interested in the classics!)
After we picked out everything we went to the Kinkos (now FedEx Office) downtown and spent about two hours making bookmarks. I was worried that Eliza would get bored, but my worrying was for naught. I started giving Eliza all the leftover scraps of paper and she built an entire mini-civilization. All the customers in Kinkos were impressed and the manager even came over to get a peek. Check it out:





Yes, she even created a shower for the robot.

It was a very fun day and I can't wait to kidnap Wilson and take him out on the town. Now, I just need to get the rest of all the nieces and nephews up here..... :)

Things I love.

This past weekend, my mom, Eliza and I were reading through the "All About Me" book I made my mom fill out and give to me a couple of years ago. I love that book because I've learned so many things about my mom that I never would have known otherwise. I think I'll make her do another one in the next couple of years.
Anyway, there's a section in the book that has you list, randomly, things that make you happy. I figured it was about time I did that too. So here we go:

• Taking baths and getting most of my reading done whilst soaking in the tub.
• The typewriter application on my computer that makes my typing sound like an old-timey typewriter. When I hit enter it makes the 'ding' and the sound of the typewriter rolling back to start a new line. Too funny!
• The internet: too many funny pages linked to icanhascheezburger.com. (Not to mention the genius of gofugyourself.com-The best site for catty commentary on ugly celebrity style.)
• A new bottle of Mountain Dew. Nothing beats the first sip, which leads me to chase that initial high. Where is Intervention when you need them?
• The way my kitty Louie cuddles up to me. He's the best cat in the world. (Notice I didn't mention Oliver on here, who has been a very naughty cat, as of late.)
• Discovering a great new book. There are certain books that I consider milestone books, books that, after reading them for the first time, change your outlook. I count The Book Thief, Suite Française, Catcher in the Rye and Atonement in that category.
• Knowing I have a day off coming up. Even though I love my job, the anticipation of a day off is still one of the most exciting things in the world, just like Friday afternoon was for all of us when we were growing up.
• Hearing "Dirty Water" play after the Red Sox win. Ba duh duh duh, dum dum dum.
• The anticipation of going to Redfish Lake this summer. Last year, it was just Levi, my mom and me that went and we did nothing but read at the beach, eat, and nap. I think I took a total of 100 steps the entire time we were there.
• Making bookmarks. I have new paper coming and I can't wait to get started! I need a name for my bookmarking "business". I want something literary, but not too obscure. Let me know if you have ANY ideas.
• Being productive in my spare time. Unfortunately this happens infrequently, which reminds me that I should do something a little more important today, since it's my last day off before the end of next week.

That's all for now! I need to shower and get some stuff done before my hair appointment this afternoon :)

On with the show

I'm forcing myself to live a life outside of fertility treatments, and this includes blogging about things OTHER than my crummy uterus :)

That said....
We had a very nice visit from my mom this week. Heather and Zane were able to get away to Seattle for the weekend and my mom came up to watch their kids. What a great time we all had! It was a bit like Pleasure Island from Pinocchio. The kids got to make volcanos, drink soda, make s'mores, stay in their pajamas for the better part of the day and since Wilson got to play his Star Wars Lego Wii game for a while, Eliza go to watch several episodes of Night Court with Grandma and me. Yes, Night Court is still one of the funniest tv shows out there and it was great to see Eliza giggling to it. Some things will always be funny. It was a great visit and the sun even made an appearance for part of it!
Here's some pics from the visit:
Mom and Wilson and his volcano.

Wilson vs. The Volcano

My mom is such a babe!

Eliza and Mom chillaxing.

Mom and Wilson getting his s'more ready. Isn't Heather's backyard amazing! I love her sign post in the background.

Eliza gives her smore a vote of approval.



In other (non)news, we've been on such a strict budget lately but I decided to splurge a little and bought a new perfume (the small bottles are actually quite affordable!) If you didn't already know, Sephora gives out free samples of any of their perfumes. And not just the little piece of paper with the perfume sprayed on it, either. They actually give you a small vial that has a spritzer top so you can sample what it smells like on your body. This is so great! I never know if I'll really like something unless I wear it to work. If it bothers me while I'm working, it's not a good fit.
Originally I was interested in Flowerbomb by Viktor and Rolf, but after taking the sample home I realized that it's too fancy and a bit too musky for my taste. I do, however, absolutely love the bottle it comes in. Probably why it's so expensive.

So after sampling different kinds, I finally chose the new perfume by Michael Kors called Very Hollywood. I love the bottle design of this one too!

It smells mostly of gardenias but with a hint of citrus (at least, that's what I think it is.) Either way, it's a lovely scent. I bought the small bottle since I usually get tired of a scent before I'm done with the bottle, not to mention what a huge price difference the small bottle is from the large bottle. I think it's a winner, but we'll see :)
After perfume shopping, we wandered over to Sears and Levi found the jumpsuits. For those of you who don't know, Levi wants nothing more than to get old and fat and wear jumpsuits while touring the country in a Winnebago. I let him indulge his fantasy and he tried on a jumpsuit in the 'medium' size. Turns out, he's not a medium anymore!


I was laughing so hard when I was taking this picture, I'm surprised it turned out at all-- I was shaking and had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Levi's always up for a good time.

Update

I don't have a lot of your email addresses, so here's a copy of the email that I sent to those of you whose addresses I have.

Hey all,
Levi and I just wanted to give you an update on everything we've learned this week.
We had an appointment last Wednesday to look at the follicles and see how they were progressing. Unfortunately they weren't as large as they should have been (follicles need to be around 18-20mm to help with ovulation) so they told me to take another shot of Bravelle and come back on Saturday. We went back on Saturday and were told that the follicles again hadn't grown. We were given another injection to take of Bravelle and told to come back on Tuesday (today.) Once again, the follicles hadn't grown to the point of where they needed to be, in fact they hadn't grown at all. Pretty devastating news.
They suggested we do another double dose of Bravelle (the normal dose is 3 shots total in a month, this would put us up to 7 shots so far this month) but even the double dose wouldn't guarantee growth. Basically, the injections are outrageously expensive (about $50/shot, along with each $90 ultrasound) and we didn't feel right about pushing my body any further for something that most likely wouldn't work. It also wouldn't be financially responsible to have any more procedures that couldn't at least slightly guarantee results.
We've learned a lot this past month: I don't ovulate on both sides, my uterine lining is weak (but luckily this is fixable with a dose of supplements), my follicles are miniscule and I need medication to push ovulation, even when it's a month that I'm supposed to ovulate on my own.
All of these things have led us to some sad conclusions. It doesn't look like I'll ever conceive naturally, and we certainly don't have the thousands of dollars it takes to pursue fertility treatments. So for this month we'll finish our treatment and see what happens, hoping for the best but planning for the worst.
Enough of the bad news, here's the good news:
The nurse we saw today at the Idaho Reproductive Medicine Center told us that they are going to be up for an FDA testing for in-vitro this fall. Basically, if we're picked we could get free in-vitro while they test new drugs for the procedure. This would be amazing! In-Vitro costs around $15,000 so to have it for free would be an absolute miracle. The nurse put our names on a list and we'll wait to see what happens.
She also let us know about another in-vitro option. You can have another person's fertilized egg (embryo) implanted in you for about $2500. Since the major cost of in-vitro is pulling out your own eggs and the fertilization process, this cuts out all that and takes embryos that have been frozen and gives them the chance to grow in me. A lot of people (rich people usually lol!) who are having fertility issues will save their eggs that have been fertilized in case they decide to do in-vitro again in the future. Sometimes they don't know what to do with the embryos and they will allow doctor's offices to use them for patients whose eggs aren't viable or who can't afford the regular in-vitro option. This would definitely be something we'd look into, considering it's still thousands cheaper than adoption.
So, if we don't get into the in-vitro FDA trial we'll start looking at having an embryo implanted. In the meantime we're going to start saving for adoption. It could take years and years to save enough up for this, but we're willing to do anything and I think adoption is such a beautiful thing.
Anywho, that's what we've learned, in a nutshell. We'll keep you updated if anything else happens. We really want to thank all of you for your help. Knowing that we're surrounded by people who love us and are cheering for us has made these two years bearable. Thank you so much!!
Love,
Carly and Levi

Again, I really want to reiterate how thankful we are to all of you. We've seen some amazing generosity and we're so blessed to have such a caring family. Stephanie, I especially want to thank you for what you've offered. I can't think of anything more incredible to do to help someone and I hope you know how much I appreciate it.
Thank you to everyone who has sent a kind word or a positive thought our way. We are so lucky!

Bookmarks for sale!

For those of you not on facebook, I've posted a bunch of pictures of my super-cute handmade bookmarks that are for sale. (Only $4 a piece!) Here's a link to the photo album:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2064714&id=1442197482

The picture captions have the bookmark item number and will say if the item is sold out or not. These are all one of a kind, so get them while they're hot!!!
All money will be going to our fertility treatments (and possibly towards the cost of making more bookmarks...I love doing it!) If you are interested in one, just email me at carlyjgates@yahoo.com or send me a message on facebook letting me know which one you want. Payments can be made through my paypal link on this blog.

They're super stylish and make great gifts!

Wait a minute....

We bought a couple of bird feeders for all the adorable birds living in our neighborhood. Then this happened....

What a little pig! Actually, we don't mind. The bird/squirrel feeders have become of source of entertainment to us, as well as the cats.
Lately my gnomes have been suffering the wrath of the two dogs and have tipped over about a dozen times this spring. Levi decided to step in and build a little wooden deck for them.
Don't you love our filthy garage? Deliciously white trash, in my opinion.

Buster voicing his approval over the new gnome area.


And finally, a HUGE thank you to everyone out there who has been helping us with the fertility process. We've learned more about love and generosity this week than we ever have. I am humbled and overwhelmed by it and I am so so blessed to be close to so many wonderful people. Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Formal thank-you notes are on their way!)
I've already started all the hormones and let's just say their effect is working so far (laughing one minute, crying the next and the problem of ENDLESS HUNGER!) I start the injections tomorrow and then on Wednesday they'll do an ultrasound to see when IUI will need to be scheduled. I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it!!
I'll leave you with a shot of my medicine for this week. This doesn't include the double dose of Clomid or the prenatal vitamins I'm taking. The pill bottle is a Progesterone suppository. Let's just say it isn't taken by mouth. Yuck!! On a related (or unrelated) note, does the Orem Public Library's book drop still say "Book Suppository"? That always made me giggle.

Yee haw!!!

Desperate times...desperate measures.

I am so embarrassed to be doing this. I NEVER thought our fertility woes would bring me to this point, but here we are: I've added a paypal donation link on the side of the blog.
Today we had an appointment with Dr. Foulk at the Idaho Reproductive Medicine Center. He is a god to the infertile women of Boise and is a miracle worker. We saw him last summer when we were thinking of IVF, before we found out just how much that would end up costing and had to scratch the idea.
My regular OBGYN has done all that she can do for me (especially after we found out that my left fallopian tube is blocked, making it so I only ovulate every other month) and told me the only thing she can do is keep giving me clomid prescriptions. She referred me to Dr. Foulk and said good luck. Dr. Foulk was so kind today. He had an answer for all our questions, told us things we never knew and came up with a great solution. Since there's the left tube issue, he wants to put me on medicine that forces me to ovulate on both sides every month. Then, I'll take a bunch of hormones, make sure everything is perfect and we'll do artificial insemination (IUI) at exactly the right time. We had tried IUI in the past, but none of the extra precautions were taken so it's no wonder it didn't work. This would be done under close supervision and everything would align perfectly to make sure the "swimmers", as he calls them, would have an optimal environment to meet my egg. This could happen as soon as next week. I left his office feeling ecstatic and so hopeful.
Then the reality set in. All the medicine and hormones are going to be around $290. This is using the absolute cheapest mail-order place out there. They are half the price that my normal pharmacy would be and the doctor's office uses them all the time. So $290 plus the $75 for them to get the "swimmer" sample ready, plus the cost of the procedure, plus the cost of the office visits. This adds up to more money than we have.
It's one thing to not be able to do in-vitro because it's $15,000 out of our price range, but to not be able to do this because we don't have and extra $500 is devastating. I don't want to be fifty years old, childless, and regret not being able to take control of my fertility because I didn't have $500.
I am beyond humbled and, after discovering there's nothing in my house worth selling, I have given in and taken my sister Heather's advice and added a paypal link on my blog. Believe me, this is so embarrassing and if I had anything of value to sell I would have done it already. We live entirely check to check and scrape by at the end of every month.
I know some people out there wonder why we're trying to have a child if we can barely afford our bills. I wonder that myself sometimes, but all I can say is that it feels right. It feels like we're supposed to bring a child into this world and have faith that everything would work out.
I'm not a person who naturally has a lot of faith, I've always tended to ask for proof, but this is one time that I've had to throw up my hands and tell God, "I'm trusting you because I know this is right. Please help me." I have been humbled and I don't really have an ounce of pride left in me when it comes to this subject.
So in conclusion, I've put the link up on the side of the page. I'm so embarrassed, but it's really come down to this. We're desperate and this was one of the last solutions.
Thank you.
Carly & Levi

Camping!

Levi and I did something we've never done in our almost five years of marriage: we slept in a tent! When we take vacations we either stay in hotels, with family or in the cabins at Redfish Lake. Heather and Zane have always been campers and I think that's super cool. Levi used to camp at a place called Edna Creek, which is about an hour up the mountain from Boise. We planned on camping there, until we started to climb the summit and saw how much snow was still on the ground! We back tracked a little bit and found a great site called Ten Mile campground. We had a fantastic time eating hot dogs and s'mores. The sleep, what little there was, was rough but that's all part of the fun, right?

On the road to the campground. Gorgeous, huh!


These letters are huge. Someone puts a lot of effort into making sure everybody knows!


That mountain air was great!


This was the only snow in sight.


We got this two man tent as a wedding gift. We didn't even fight putting it together :)


The ESSENTIALS! Purell: Genius invention.


Happy to be there!


The ONLY thing we forgot was matches. Good thing there were people near us who had a lighter!


The joys of waking up on the hard ground. It was fun, but man I was sore!


We had a great time and can't wait to go again! Heather & Zane, are you up for it??